var quotes = new Array; quotes.push("A young child says to his mother, "Mum, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Sorry darling, you know you can't do both." "); quotes.push("Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo."); quotes.push("Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities."); quotes.push("Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva."); quotes.push("Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless."); quotes.push("Q: What do drummers and philosophers have in common?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept."); quotes.push("Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks."); quotes.push("Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between Rock and Jazz?
A: Rock is 3 chords played to 1000 people. Jazz is 1000 chords played to 3 people."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels."); quotes.push("Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you."); quotes.push("Q: Why do drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick. "); quotes.push("Q: What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"."); quotes.push("Q: Did you hear about the drummer who got sacked for dragging?
A: He was so depressed he threw himself behind a train."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers."); quotes.push("Q: How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; the piano player can do that with his left hand."); quotes.push("Q: How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two."); quotes.push("Q: How many female singers does it take to sing "Summertime"?
A: All of them apparently."); quotes.push("Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time."); quotes.push("Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic."); quotes.push("Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw."); quotes.push("Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "Is that the banjo player's Porsche outside?""); quotes.push("Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed."); quotes.push("Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars."); quotes.push("Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven – if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a cricket ball further with a bassoon."); quotes.push("Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out of range."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds."); quotes.push("Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice."); quotes.push("Q: How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around saying, "I can do that!" "); quotes.push("Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so." "); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek."); quotes.push("Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend. "); quotes.push("Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting orchestra player to become a soloist."); quotes.push("Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again."); quotes.push("Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch."); quotes.push("Did you hear about the tenor who was so arrogant the other tenors noticed?"); quotes.push("Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in."); quotes.push("Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts written a semitone apart."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig."); quotes.push("Q: How many drummers does it take to change a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now."); quotes.push("Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise ....""); quotes.push("Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: About twenty metres, if you have a good arm."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns longer."); quotes.push("Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write "pp, espressivo" on the music."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO."); quotes.push("Q: How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone."); quotes.push("Q: What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison strings."); quotes.push("Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one."); quotes.push("Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: He's too sensitive."); quotes.push("Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm."); quotes.push("Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer."); quotes.push("Q: What's a bassoon good for?
A: Kindling for a burning accordion."); quotes.push("Q: How long does it take to tune a soprano saxophone?
A: Nobody knows."); quotes.push("Q: How do you end up with a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million."); quotes.push("Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer."); quotes.push("Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him."); quotes.push("Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!! "); quotes.push("Soprano Solfege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Not You, ME!!"); quotes.push("Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead. "); quotes.push("Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A bass trombonist with a DOUBLE trigger attachment AND a beeper."); quotes.push("Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up and make sure. "); quotes.push("Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof "); quotes.push("Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Yell “don’t do it!” and hurry to cut the rope."); quotes.push("Q: What do you do if a bass player is drowning ?
A: Throw him his amp."); quotes.push("Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Tell two of them to stop playing."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the a**hole in the back."); quotes.push("Q: How do you know when the stage is level ?
A: The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth."); quotes.push("Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
A: Neither did I."); quotes.push("Q: How do you get a banjo player off of your front porch ?
A: Pay for the pizza."); quotes.push("Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim."); quotes.push("Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A: Add vibrato."); quotes.push("Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes."); quotes.push("Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: "Year-at-a-glance""); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead clarinetist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake"); quotes.push("Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to actually do it and six to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were."); quotes.push("Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack."); quotes.push("Q: Why is a concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff."); quotes.push("Q: Why is it good that drummers have slightly more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades."); quotes.push("Q: What is the difference between a world war and a high school band performance?
A: The world war causes less suffering."); quotes.push("Q: What is the definition of counterpoint?
A: Two guitarists playing in unison "); document.write(quotes[(Math.floor(Math.random() * quotes.length))]);